Dig Deeper

You'd think you'd be used to your mother in law by now. It's not like you're a newlywed. You celebrated your eighth wedding anniversary last year. But my oh my does your mother-in-law get on your nerves!

That sugar coated whine when she complains that she doesn't see you and the kids often enough...and when are you coming to dinner? She understands you have so much to do, don't bother. . . before you can even get out that next Friday would be fine. Or when she does come over, her tut-tutting over your wilting azaleas in that child-and-dog rampaged square of dirt commonly known as your yard. Or her lifted brow when she spots an errant dust bunny decorating the cat's tail. It's all you can do not to scream.

Then of course there's your co-worker, with her high shrill laugh, unique dress style (loves polka dots and cowboy boots), and perpetual smiley face no matter what's going on. If you didn't have to interact much with her, it wouldn't be so bad, but she's just been promoted to your team, so guess what? You're stuck.

What are you to do with these irritating people you are forced to deal with? Just stomach it and pretend all is well?

No, stomaching it will just produce stomach distress, and denial is a guaranteed way not to solve problems. Instead, dig deeper.

Instead of avoiding those you don't like, get to know them. We all have our irritating sides (yes, you do too), our up sides and our down sides. When you allow a person's irritating sides (which may very well be enchanting to someone else) to take over your entire assessment of them, then of course you'll be miserable in their presence. If instead, you choose to dig deeper, deliberately make an effort to get to know the person, observe what matters to them, what makes them happy/sad, you will find other sides to the person, some of which you can value, you can appreciate. And those will be the ones to pay attention to whenever you interact with that individual.

When you look at mother-in-law with an observer's eye, a neutral scientist's eye, you may realize she's lonely, that her heart still aches (perhaps forever!) for her own departed mate, and that she clings to what's left of her family to assuage that loneliness. With this in mind, when she begins her "you never come see me but I understand who wants to bother with an old lady" lament, you can say "Gosh, we miss you too, Mom, and I'm sorry it's difficult to get the family together and out to you as often as we'd like. How about..." and name your date. It could be a month out, and if she complains "Oh, that's so long to wait" remember her loneliness and empathize with it "I know, and I wish it could be sooner - it'll be wonderful when we do see you."

Notice that nowhere in this have you changed your plans, you've just changed how you relate to your mother-in-law. You've stopped being defensive (you never defend with "but" only include with "and"). You've become her ally, one who understands her, and that is precious, both to her and you.

When she complains (verbally or non-verbally) about the condition of your yard or whatever else, a simple "Thank you for caring" - whether verbalized or just expressed in a hug, will express your appreciation of what matters to her, rather than getting tweaked about her pointing out your homemaking flaws.

Your co-worker deserves the same "dig deeper" treatment. As you watch and talk with her, non-judgmentally, you may discover that she's determined to do a good job, and being doggedly enthusiastic all the time is just her way of doing that. Polka dots and cowboy boots are part of what she does to keep her spirits up.

We all do what we can to help ourselves navigate this grand journey called life. The more you tune into the infinite variety of ways we do so with curiosity and wonder, the more you'll value and appreciate the people in your world.