Just Say No, or Yes

In my work as a Psychologist and executive consultant I have found that many individuals have difficulty setting limits for themselves. In counseling we often refer to this as setting boundaries. Healthy boundaries are absolutely essential in maintaining good interpersonal relationships. Possessing set boundaries equates to having a clear definition of self which includes who am I, what are my values, what do I stand for, and what is most important to me.

Poorly developed boundaries can make an individual vulnerable to taking on someone else's priorities. Poor boundaries also lead a person into believing they are responsible for others feelings, thoughts and behaviors. Typically, individuals with poor boundaries are either very controlling or very easily controlled. Visualize an individual with extremely damaged boundaries. They are very often open to being mistreated or manipulated. In the most extreme situations, a lack of boundaries can mean having no way to protect ones self from an unfortunate wide range of abuse by others.

Another way of looking at boundaries is to think of them as being external or internal. Admittedly this division is artificial, yet useful in further understanding your own personal boundaries. I will describe both external and internal boundaries from the perspective of the role they play in a person's life.

External boundaries allow us to have a clear sense of how close we physically permit ourselves to get to another individual. A person with healthy external boundaries has a sort of radar that automatically communicates to them if they should move more towards or away from certain individuals. People with poorly developed external boundaries leave themselves vulnerable to being physically and/or sexually manipulated or mistreated. Individuals often exhibit their poorly developed external boundaries by rigidly keeping away from others or frequently allowing them to penetrate their own physical boundaries. Some may rapidly fluctuate between these two interpersonal strategies.

Internal boundaries allow a person to contain and protect their values, beliefs, and life priorities. Saying a person has a strong and stable sense of self equates to having well developed internal boundaries, or a clear and comfortable identity. Individuals with healthy internal boundaries take responsibility for their behavior. They are clear about and able to stake claim to what is most important to them.

On the other hand, having poorly developed internal boundaries makes you a prime target to what some have referred to as energy vampires. These energy vampires can drain someone's energy and exploit them. Having poor boundaries will lead you to say yes when you want to say no and vice versa. Having poor boundaries means living life in a very exhausting, small and narrow manner.

Having clear and healthy boundaries allows you to distance yourself from individuals who are draining to you. Having healthy boundaries allows you to set limits. They also allow you to rise above the approval of other people. Being willing to stand up for what you believe in, even if it is not the "popular" thing.

Developing healthy boundaries is developing your identity. If you are struggling with setting clear boundaries get clear about your values. Ask yourself these big questions and then write out your responses. Reflect on your responses. Ask yourself: What do I value most in life? What do I value most about myself? What do I value most about others? What do I think is the point to life here on earth? Who is my biggest hero and why? What impact do I want to create in the world?

As you reflect on the answers to these questions think about the implications they would have on your behavior, your choices and the type of people you would choose to be around. What changes would you need to make the life you are living now to become consistent with these values?

Remember it is people with clear boundaries and a strong sense of who they are that have the greatest impact in this world. These are the individuals who take appropriate calculated risks rather than staying within a narrow comfort zone. Think of Rosa Parks. Was her decision made from a position of a clear value and a clear limit? As Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living". Examine your life. Get clear about who you are and what you stand for. Have the courage to stand up for your convictions. In the words of Gandhi, "Be the change you want to see in the world". That requires clear boundaries, and a willingness to pay the price to become the valued person you deserve to be for the absolute most important person - Yourself.

Sincerely,

Dr. Mike Davison