Are You Addicted to Your Story?

I want to share some additional ideas about the process of change to help you gear up for showing up more fully in 2006.

First I want to tell you about a powerful exchange I had with a 17 year old client and his mother this week. I must say that this young person is massively troubled. His mother stated that she always taught her child to be a "free thinker" and to challenge "entrenched power". My response was that "It is OK to think outside the box, but first you need a box".

By having a box I mean a set of beliefs, values, an identity and a coherent personal story to hold all of this.

That being said, once you have a "box", hopefully it is flexible enough to make room for new ideas and experiences.

I strongly believe your identity or personal story literally creates who you are. My 17 year old client has constructed his identity around being a person who is a fighter. He is not clear about what he stands for. He is clear what he is against - EVERYTHING!

In order to create change in your life, you need to examine your current identity conclusions.

This is crucial because you act in line with your identity. Your identity acts like a governor on a go-cart. It will only let you go so far or so fast.

You may be pondering, "What is my identity or personal story?" or "Where does it come from?"

Your identity conclusions are self created out of your collective life experiences. Many of our most preciously held assumptions we developed before we were old enough to know the difference.

We often get caught up in defining ourselves in extremely narrow and limiting ways. For example, some folks use their profession as their primary identifier. Other individuals use unfortunate past experiences to construct their identity around - "I am a victim".

Defining your self by a problem you have can be highly troubling. Clinging to other titles, roles or labels is extremely restricting - as these can fall away.

Your identity can be thought of as your true inner self. It includes many interconnecting aspects of who you are. Specifically it includes:

YOUR BELIEFS: These are your unique ideas and conclusions about: the world around you, other people, and your behavior - to name a few.

YOUR VALUES: Specifically those "things" you hold dearly and play a significant role in driving your day-to-day choices and behavior.

Overall your IDENTITY is your deep sense of who you are. Your identity can be seen as what organizes your beliefs, capabilities, behaviors, and values into a single system - a story.

Your identity is so key to who you are. While you need a clear sense of who you are, your identity can be problematic if it becomes rigid or outdated. For example, many individuals who I have seen in coaching or psychotherapy over the years have come in with outdated solutions. Specifically, if someone grows up in an abusive home, they may learn to distrust people and keep people at a distance. This solution (and corresponding stories) makes perfect sense when considering the context in which they were originally developed. As an adult, this outdated solution likely contaminates relationships.

So how do you begin to change your identity or your personal story?

That is a huge question, but I am glad you asked. Here is a powerful starting point:

Ask yourself some powerful questions to connect with your true self or edit your existing story. For example:

If you were on your deathbed what are the 2 most important things you would share with loved ones about what you learned in your life?

What gives you the greatest joy in your life?

If money was not an issue, what kind of work would you do? Who is your greatest hero(s) and why?

If you had a time machine and could relive one experience you had, what would that experience be and why?

Remember, expanding or editing your personal story is key to your success. This is similar to what Earl Nightingale meant when he said, "We become what we think about, most of the time".

The key is that we can change what we think about; with the right approach. William James stated "Of all the creatures of earth, only human beings can change their patterns. Man alone is the architect of his destiny... Human beings, by changing their inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their life." In other words, when you change your story, you change what you arrange for, create and attract into your life.

Don't follow the masses. I suspect that Thoreau was correct when he said "The mass of men live lives of quite desperation". So many people play it safe. They stay small. They take the easier softer way. They are afraid to show up more fully in their own life. They are uncomfortable with the potential impact that living out an expanded and more empowering story will have on those around them.

Break your addiction to you personal story!

Remember, you perceive what you perceive because that is what you perceive.

In life, you get what you expect.

Seek and you will find (or create or arrange for or simply make up).

What you expect is in line with your identity and personal story.

Make a decision!

Get clear about what an expanded personal story who look like.

Keep in mind that YOUR story is not YOU. You are not the story. You are the storyteller.

Your story is not carved in stone. I like to think of it as being carved in liverwurst. It is changeable.

It starts with believing that change is possible - followed by a DECISION.

Change what you believe is possible in your life.

Break out of the routine of ordinary.

Transcend what is currently "normal".

Break out of automatic pilot mode.

Ask your self if there is anything more.

You know there is.

Shatter the illusions of what you currently think is possible.

Cross the divide that separates what currently is and what could be.

You deserve to be living out the most extraordinary version of your story.

Remember, you are the storyteller - not the story.

Give yourself permission to be great.

You deserve to be in love with your own journey.

Choose adventure.

Make the decision.

Dr. Mike Davison