An agenda that lists things to get done is terrific; but there is another kind of agenda in which is damaging to relationships.
I recall being angry with someone, so angry in fact, that I harbored that feeling for a long time. My attention to this was triggered when I faced a particular challenge after the person was no longer actively involved in my life. I was mopping the floor with that "voice" chattering away in my head . . . two years and over 1,000 miles apart from the person. So, I asked myself why this inner dialogue was happening yet again. The word Agenda came to me loud and clear. I'd had an agenda in that person's regard; and when the vibrational match produced the only outcome it could, rather than see my role at the time, I projected anger at the other person. The moment I realized what I was doing, I was freed from the anger. I took responsibility for what I'd done and learned a valuable life lesson.
A similar situation came up over the holidays when a friend emailed that she needed my life coaching skills regarding a man she's been dating for several months. She likes him but did tell me several weeks ago that though he's fun to be with, a spark lacks so she's kept her options open. Then, he did two things: he told my friend he'd referred to her as his girlfriend while at lunch with his granddaughter and he invited my friend to his home to meet his son. In woman-speak, this is interpreted as a man's indication he's "moving forward" in a relationship. My friend was surprised by both of these actions, but the biggest surprise came during the visit with him and his son. He told her his ex-girlfriend (for the last six months) had called him and begged him to get back with her and he didn't know what to do. Any thoughts my friend had that this relationship was going forward came to a screeching halt.
I phoned her and listened as she told her story. The word Agenda popped into mind. Fortunately, she's a smart cookie and stated she realized she was upset because of her own expectations. We did girlfriend talk, but also covered what happens when we have an agenda and how often we have one and don't even realize it . . . until something upsets the proverbial apple cart. She saw how she had set herself up by expecting anything from someone she never, in her heart, believed is ultimately the right relationship for her anyway.
It's safe to have our personal agendas that involve only ourselves, but we have to exercise caution or prudence when it involves another, especially if it's a personal relationship, romantic or not. We can plan with someone but not for them, unless they asked us to do so.
We set up agendas for others all the time without realizing it. This comes, partially, from forgetting one simple courtesy: to ask appropriate questions of others such as, "Here are my thoughts. Is this appropriate for you?" Most of us don't appreciate being told what to do, nor do we appreciate others expecting things of us without our agreement.
This is especially true for anything people need to give to themselves. It's really a self-esteem issue that causes us to expect others to meet our inner and outer needs that only we can provide to ourselves. Anything anyone does for or with us is an enhancement to our experiences, a gift . . . not an obligation, unless we have an agreement.
Any time we want, or demand, that how we feel about ourselves or our sense of security or happiness come from another rather than from within us, we can count on feeling disappointment masked as anger at some point.
Next time you're angry with someone, do a check-in to see what motivates this anger. You might be feeling the results of an agenda-bender. If you keep the words Vibrational Matches in mind, this will help you keep on tract and not hang onto bad feelings as long as you might.
About Joyce Shafer
Joyce Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach dedicated to helping people feel, be, and live their true inner power. She's author of "Don't Want to be Your Guru" and other books/ebooks, and publishes a free weekly online newsletter that offers empowering articles and free downloads. See all that's offered by Joyce and on her site at http://stateofappreciation.weebly.com
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