What Advice Sometimes Is

Advice is defined as an opinion given as to how to handle a situation. The prefix "ad" means toward, akin to, addition to. Vice is defined as a bad habit, fault or failing, an act of self-indulgence. Combine the definitions of the prefix and the word, play with this, and we get variations like "akin to an act of self-indulgence." Through this process, we see advice is often about the giver, not the receiver; and that giving advice, especially when unsolicited, can be more self-indulgent, more self-serving, than a service to others. Many love to give advice, but few enjoy being recipients, with good reason.

As part of life coach training, we read, "Breaking the Rules: Removing the Obstacles to Effortless High Performance," by Kurt Wright. He noted that advice is not as productive as right questions. (There is an art to asking questions such as, Avoid the accusatory "why" word unless you've learned how to use it properly.). My class knew we were diamonds-in-the-rough, to some extent; and that our lives had a commonality: People turn to us for our thoughts and, yes, advice. Initially, the switch from giving advice to asking right questions was a struggle. We understood why it was important, met the challenge, and did manage to accomplish this.

I'm a life-long processor, someone who asks myself questions and looks at situations from as many angles as I can fathom. I do seek feedback from others, but ultimately make my own choices. And I know that choices where my head and heart are aligned are always better than ones where there is no alignment. Who knows better than I what that alignment is? I literally felt my brain shift when I realized that if I let go of offering advice and ask questions, those I speak with can do what I do: Find the answers or solutions appropriate for them. Not for me. Not for others. For them. Trust that everyone has their own right answers inside. One way to facilitate this is to become curious. Sometimes, all that's needed is a few non-judgmental questions to help reveal answers.

The result of doing this is two-fold: It frees us from believing we have to have the answers for anyone else's life or situations, and people own their decisions. Even children have an inner wisdom, though parents have to make most decisions in their regard while they're young. As children mature, they need to build this skill until it's appropriate for them to make all their own decisions. It seems much easier to tell a child (or adult) what to do, but what might your relationship be like if, instead, you ask questions about what the person thinks and feels and discuss possible outcomes of actions? How will this type of dialogue help a person learn and grow? What might you learn? All of us prefer to be treated with this kind of integrity. It engenders responsibility for choices (made from conscious awareness), as well as self-reliance. It honors the innate wisdom individuals possess, even if turning within needs to be strengthened a bit.

If you're a person who feels you have to have all the answers (or has them!), try for one day, to have the right questions. You may be surprised at the results.