The Self-Improvement Myth

An ironic belief exists about self-improvement: Though a person learns how to better manage himself within the context of life, to be truly successful requires total elimination of any feelings the person perceives as negative. Let's call the ones addressed here "first responses."

First responses are observed and absorbed by us in the earliest years of our lives, and merge with or adhere to our innate personalities. The myth is that we can completely eliminate these ingrained responses. If we believe the myth, we negate the opportunity for a fantastic journey of the self. First responses, or learned behaviors, are what they are. However, it's our choice whether we manage them or they manage us. It's like hair color. Your DNA assigned the color, but you can change it to what you'd rather, even if the roots always emerge according to the blueprint. It's the same for your life and your responses.

Which has more personal power: Recognize your first response and succumb to it or recognize and manage it? One is easy. You just give in. The other requires courage. It requires vision because you have to look at what you want and do what it takes to make it happen. You can be a Ready-Aim-Fire sort or a Ready-Fire-Aim one.

The most important thing is to cease judgment about what your first response is or that it appears when triggered. Acknowledge it, but decide what you'd rather do when it surfaces. We are very hard on ourselves. Most of us wouldn't consider saying to anyone what we say to ourselves.

I treat my process of this topic like children keep track of how they are growing by making notches or pencil marks on the doorjamb. If I have a negative first response, it's more important to me to see it, own it, and aim for what I really want. It's great when I can say to myself, "I've improved. Last time that happened, it took three hours for me to release it. This time, it took only five minutes." Just as you will struggle to lose weight if every time you look in the mirror, you say or think how much you hate yourself or the extra weight, you won't make desired strides if you continuously berate yourself rather than encourage and appreciate your progress.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: You get more of what you focus on. A good mantra is Every day, in some way, I'm better than the day before, even if just a bit. All you have to do is allow it.