Have you thought much about the most important relationship in your life? Now I’m not talking about the relationship you have with your spouse or significant other or the relationship you have with anyone else that you might be thinking about right now. I’m actually talking about the relationship you have with yourself. It’s easy to overlook the fact the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship in life. Let’s face it, if we can’t get along well with ourselves, we have a pretty big challenge on our hands.

Now I know at the onset of this article that there are those that will take issue with my position that the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship in life. But if you’ll stay with me for a moment, I think I’ll be able to convince you that the starting point for having a great relationship with anyone else, is mastering the relationship you have with yourself. In addition, if you aren’t now making the progress in life that you would like to make and are capable of making, I’d be willing to bet that what we are going to discuss will show you why. So let’s talk about your relationship with you.

I believe that the first step in managing your relationship with yourself is to determine what you actually think about yourself. You might be surprised with what you discover. I’ve learned that all too often we reserve our harshest criticism and our most negative thoughts for ourselves. And it’s just these thoughts that so often stand in the way of us achieving those things we most want in life.

You’ve undoubtedly heard the statement that “Our thoughts control our lives” which is covered extensively in the world’s great success literature. But let me ask you this: “What do you think about yourself?” In other words, “What are the thoughts you are having about yourself that are controlling your life?”

In my seminars and private coaching sessions, I like to ask people where their thoughts come from. This is always a fascinating discussion. People will say that their thoughts come from their parents and the way they were raised along with influences from all of the experiences they have had in life. Certainly, all of these things and many more are part of the answer. However, I think there is something much more significant that is often completely missed.

I believe that our thoughts ultimately come from the questions that we ask ourselves on a daily basis. In fact, I like to go so far as to say that every thought we think is preceded by a question. Think about this for a minute and I bet you’ll agree with me.

We are constantly asking questions like “What should I do in this situation?” which leads to thoughts about what to do. The question “How will this affect the outcome that I am working to achieve?” will stimulate a whole series of thoughts and ideas and possible scenarios to consider. Even questions such as “Is this the right thing to do?” will lead to all kinds of thoughts about good and bad and/or right and wrong. Truly, the questions we ask and the thoughts they lead to are endless.

But here’s something that’s not always obvious. Questions can become very deep seated and begin generating thoughts that don’t really serve us … thoughts that aren’t good for us. And since we are around ourselves all of the time, these questions are controlling our thoughts so we need to know what they are. Otherwise, we can continue asking these disempowering questions for months, years, decades, or even our entire life unless we learn how to step behind the curtain and take control.

Imagine having to be around someone who is constantly bugging you or irritating you. For all too many people, that describes the relationship they have with themselves!

Let me give you an example of how one question could be in conflict with the relationship you have with yourself, and how it could derail you on your quest for greater success.

I’ve discovered that many people have big generalized questions like this one: “What are they thinking of me?” Imagine having that question constantly roaming around in your mind. One client told me that she’s had this question since she was a little girl, and although this client has achieved some great things in her life, she still hasn’t found peace, happiness, or any level of fulfillment. She said that she feels like no matter what she does, it doesn’t feel like enough. Isn’t that interesting? Here is a lady who is a Fortune 500 executive, earning an amazing amount of money, receiving constant praise for her work, and yet she feels like no matter what she does it isn’t enough. She’s making a great contribution to others by serving on a very high level but she is not happy on the inside. This reminds me of the old saying that “Success without fulfillment is failure.”

I think the answer to her challenge can be found in this main question that she’s been asking herself for years. Many questions have a presupposition and wouldn’t you say that her question (“What are they thinking of me?”) contains within it the idea that people may not be thinking good things about her?

Of course, the fact of the matter is that we can never really know what other people are thinking about us. Sure, you could ask someone to tell you what he or she is thinking but you might not get the truth.

The ultimate problem with this question, however, is that it puts other people in the driver’s seat of your life. While a question like this might motivate you to get other people to think good things about you, you will never know for sure what other people think. And, most importantly, do you really want to base your life of what other people think of you?

Now I realize that this example may not illustrate your question or situation, but I hope it gets you thinking about what your question or questions might be. What is it that you are asking yourself underneath all of the stuff that is going on in your life? If you want to find out, do what I call a “Mental Download” and start writing down the thoughts that cross your mind. You’ll be amazed by what you discover. Just as a computer program can have bugs that prevent it from operating correctly, you may have a few thoughts in your mental computer that are getting in the way of your success.

In the past few weeks, here are some questions that clients have shared with me: Am I smart enough to do this? What if I try and fail? Why can’t I accomplish my goal? Why is it easier for other people? How can I protect myself if things go bad? Why can’t I lose the weight I want to lose?

How about starting to examine your thoughts and figure out what questions are whirring around in your consciousness? One of the things I most enjoy doing is helping people discover their questions and corresponding thoughts. In fact, I’ve learned over the years that for most people, there is one main question that is having an enormous influence on every aspect of their life. I can promise you that discovering your main question will transform every aspect of your life. It will allow you to have a better relationship with yourself and everyone else in your life. And achieving your goals will be easier than ever before.

I’ve seen people transformed immediately once they discovered the underlying questions and corresponding thoughts that are controlling their life, especially the main question that they may have been trying to answer for decades. You may find that you can figure out your main question by yourself by completely a “Mental Download” or you might want to consider working with a coach that understands this process. The truth of the matter is that we are often too close to ourselves to see and understand exactly what’s going on.

There’s a great line in the play by Shakespeare entitled “The Life and Death of Julies Caeser” where the character Cassius asks Brutus if he can see his own face. Brutus replies: “No, Cassisus; for the eye sees not itself, but by reflection, by some other means.”

We can’t really see ourselves and so often a question that you’ve been asking since you were a child is standing in the way of you achieving a great relationship with yourself, and it’s standing in the way of you achieving your ultimate ideal in life. I believe there is nothing more important than uncovering the questions and thoughts that are controlling your life so you can once and for all take control of your destiny.

Lastly, remember the simple fact that all progress in life begins by asking a better question. Maybe now is the time to examine your thoughts on deep level so you can transform the questions you have, the thoughts you think, and the life you live.